Bottom line is, I totally am thankful I decided to listen to God and stick with them. :p
Thursday, September 27, 2007
On Womanhood.
I'm supposed to be working, but I'll take time to just let go of the thoughts I've been having lately.
I couldn't get over the things that are going through my mind right now.
I know that many women go through these thoughts at some points in their lives, and I am having those thoughts because here in Manila, I have had to go Internet in a cafe frequented by [high-class] prostitutes because
If that doesn't scream "geek" and "non-prostitute," I don't know what does. :p
But really. I wonder what makes those women go into that profession? Do they have more respect for money than themselves? Can they live with the mood swings, emotional imbalance and general life fuck-ups that come with having illicit sex?
I have been through hell and back back when I was active, and I never want to repeat that. I never want to go through that again, and I'm waiting for marriage this time. I don't ever want any of my friends to go through that, and I have to make an effort to be "understanding" of the women in my life who choose to be crazy even if I actually wanna slap them on the upside of their heads like I used to do my cat. Believe me, I'm brutal because I do not want my friends to be as gaga as I was.
And yet what can I offer you but my room, my hot water and coffee/decaf, my prayers, and my shoulder to cry on? Sigh.
It is easy to slip, when you are delirious with "love". But I only have to remember the hell I went through as consequence of my sins and I remember that I need to put my walls up. If I forget, God never fails to remind. And I am only too thankful that He does. Because five hours of pleasure are never a good bargain for months of hell.
Which makes me think that I really don't want to see a certain someone in a place other than a restaurant. Haha.
And finally. I just have to say this. The spine operation is a frickin bummer. I have had to contend with it whenever it flares up. But it reminds me that I need to pace myself. And I take comfort that the Apostle Paul has had a handicap to remind him who he is in the context of God's scheme of things: another believer who just has to spread the Message like you and me. Or to the non-Christians who read this, well, you know that you don't have to spread Jesus' message.
To wrap things up, I just wanted to lay down the things I've been wondering about. And I have come to the conclusion that I am no different from the women I was seeing in Durban. There are points that I could actually be tempted to resort to that. And I direly hope I never give in. My only hope is in God's Sovereignty and GRACE. I have to remember that while Satan has been defeated, he is still pretty powerful. So I should dare not move from under God's wings. So as it is, I'm safe as long as I keep focused on Him. :D
Well, musing moment over. Back to life. So I plow ever on, in hopes of the prize I await at the end of this race. :)
I couldn't get over the things that are going through my mind right now.
- Do I really want to be a mom?
- Why do some women resort to prostitution?
- What brings women to the point that they actually turn to rich old geezers to get them through life?
I know that many women go through these thoughts at some points in their lives, and I am having those thoughts because here in Manila, I have had to go Internet in a cafe frequented by [high-class] prostitutes because
- The stupid taxi brought me there.
- I learned that their DSL speeds were... AMAZING.
- I like the place itself. Just not the presence of the prostitutes.
- I had a Macbook.
- I had messy hair.
- I have glasses.
If that doesn't scream "geek" and "non-prostitute," I don't know what does. :p
But really. I wonder what makes those women go into that profession? Do they have more respect for money than themselves? Can they live with the mood swings, emotional imbalance and general life fuck-ups that come with having illicit sex?
I have been through hell and back back when I was active, and I never want to repeat that. I never want to go through that again, and I'm waiting for marriage this time. I don't ever want any of my friends to go through that, and I have to make an effort to be "understanding" of the women in my life who choose to be crazy even if I actually wanna slap them on the upside of their heads like I used to do my cat. Believe me, I'm brutal because I do not want my friends to be as gaga as I was.
And yet what can I offer you but my room, my hot water and coffee/decaf, my prayers, and my shoulder to cry on? Sigh.
It is easy to slip, when you are delirious with "love". But I only have to remember the hell I went through as consequence of my sins and I remember that I need to put my walls up. If I forget, God never fails to remind. And I am only too thankful that He does. Because five hours of pleasure are never a good bargain for months of hell.
Which makes me think that I really don't want to see a certain someone in a place other than a restaurant. Haha.
And finally. I just have to say this. The spine operation is a frickin bummer. I have had to contend with it whenever it flares up. But it reminds me that I need to pace myself. And I take comfort that the Apostle Paul has had a handicap to remind him who he is in the context of God's scheme of things: another believer who just has to spread the Message like you and me. Or to the non-Christians who read this, well, you know that you don't have to spread Jesus' message.
To wrap things up, I just wanted to lay down the things I've been wondering about. And I have come to the conclusion that I am no different from the women I was seeing in Durban. There are points that I could actually be tempted to resort to that. And I direly hope I never give in. My only hope is in God's Sovereignty and GRACE. I have to remember that while Satan has been defeated, he is still pretty powerful. So I should dare not move from under God's wings. So as it is, I'm safe as long as I keep focused on Him. :D
Well, musing moment over. Back to life. So I plow ever on, in hopes of the prize I await at the end of this race. :)
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Makati Prostitution Landia
I am on Durban Street, Makati, Philippines. I am in a condo building, in an Internet cafe I've grown to like because of the insane DSL speeds.
I actually realized just now that the "insane speeds" were probably due to the fact that there were several WiFi hotspots here from the hotels around. Or maybe because PLDT is like that at 5AM? Who knows. Idiot me keeps the AirPort on even while I hook up to the Ethernet, you see.
I miss the simplicity of Iloilo, a bit. I miss how the city layout was much simpler, how there were less people, less craziness, but I wouldn't exchange what I have now for the relative tranquility of Iloilo. While there it seemed like everything was cheaper, it is actually here that I am able to make more money, even if I spend more. There, I think I only made less than 15k in two or three months. Here, I was able to make 25k and more in just a month. Sure I spent it all and more, but I was able to buy things I needed and even wanted..
I don't know why that is so. Is it the indolent atmosphere of Iloilo where I cannot be trusted to work? I don't know why I work harder here, but I do. I guess it's because I am driven to meet the bills and to keep my job(s), so I am driven to perform.
Also, I don't have the close community of church here that eats up a HUGE chunk of my time. Here, I am removed from church! I have to make an effort if I want to go into a small group relationship. Though I try hard not to skip a Sunday service, especially now that I am in Makati, I do not need to spend eons with people I love. It's hard because there are only 24 hours in a day, and actually roughly 10 hours left to be productive; when it's spent bonding with the people you love, what you do gain in relationships loses you the time to chase bills.
Yes, relationships are crucial; they should be the core of living. But how do I eat if I keep on losing days to church or because time moves so slowly in Iloilo?
I love it here. Even if I get stuck in a light speed Internet cafe frequented by Joes and their women, I love it here. Even if the traffic aggravates me, I love it here. Even if people here are so diverse that you never fail to run into a particularly a-holic one daily, it's okay. I thrive; it's my God who keeps me sane. :p
If only I can learn to save, be more thrifty, get a new laptop so I don't have to take taxis because my back keeps acting up...
Then I would really be living the life!
;) i love God, and i love.. the world! :p
I actually realized just now that the "insane speeds" were probably due to the fact that there were several WiFi hotspots here from the hotels around. Or maybe because PLDT is like that at 5AM? Who knows. Idiot me keeps the AirPort on even while I hook up to the Ethernet, you see.
I miss the simplicity of Iloilo, a bit. I miss how the city layout was much simpler, how there were less people, less craziness, but I wouldn't exchange what I have now for the relative tranquility of Iloilo. While there it seemed like everything was cheaper, it is actually here that I am able to make more money, even if I spend more. There, I think I only made less than 15k in two or three months. Here, I was able to make 25k and more in just a month. Sure I spent it all and more, but I was able to buy things I needed and even wanted..
I don't know why that is so. Is it the indolent atmosphere of Iloilo where I cannot be trusted to work? I don't know why I work harder here, but I do. I guess it's because I am driven to meet the bills and to keep my job(s), so I am driven to perform.
Also, I don't have the close community of church here that eats up a HUGE chunk of my time. Here, I am removed from church! I have to make an effort if I want to go into a small group relationship. Though I try hard not to skip a Sunday service, especially now that I am in Makati, I do not need to spend eons with people I love. It's hard because there are only 24 hours in a day, and actually roughly 10 hours left to be productive; when it's spent bonding with the people you love, what you do gain in relationships loses you the time to chase bills.
Yes, relationships are crucial; they should be the core of living. But how do I eat if I keep on losing days to church or because time moves so slowly in Iloilo?
I love it here. Even if I get stuck in a light speed Internet cafe frequented by Joes and their women, I love it here. Even if the traffic aggravates me, I love it here. Even if people here are so diverse that you never fail to run into a particularly a-holic one daily, it's okay. I thrive; it's my God who keeps me sane. :p
If only I can learn to save, be more thrifty, get a new laptop so I don't have to take taxis because my back keeps acting up...
Then I would really be living the life!
;) i love God, and i love.. the world! :p
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)