i was supposed to be part of my cell's birthday celebration for my own and my other cellmates' birthdays right now. i'm an hour late and counting.
today, i had borne the biggest wounds in my existence: being wounded by a true brother in Christ and another person i thought was a brother, but wasn't, after all.
after this, would i still believe in love and life?
yes. undoubtedly.
frankly, right now, i feel like Sisa, on her last hurrah, the last cackle of laughter before doom brought her to her death.
and with that, i present to you, the one article, the one piece that had borne lots of scars and bleeding behind it.
to those who did not understand, i pity you. i thought you knew that life was not about possessions. this was not a mere project to me. i held on because of what it meant to me. but just as Sisa had to relax her grip on whatever she had held onto, here i scream out my last cry of anguish and triumph, and praise God that i survived this.
i survived you. and you survived me.
i guess i have two things in common with Sisa: the trail of injustice in my life, as with the obvious. i must admit that i am a raving lunatic, but like Sisa, i too, have something to say.
before i go off to where i'm supposed to be, and before i give you my "last hurrah," i'll post too my piece on Sisa.
Sisa La Mujer Loca
Sisa.. When you hear that name, what do you see in your mind’s eye? What images does that name evoke? Sisa. She used to be a loving mother. A servile wife. A human being, just like you, like everybody else.
When you look at me, what do you see? Do you see the dirty hair? The disheveled clothes? The wild gleam in my eyes? Or do you see the soul behind the nonperson in front of you? Do you wonder, through all these, if there was a human inside? A human, with a soul, who was sane, just like you?
Look at these hands. Scarred by the toil of a woman who loves her family. Look at my feet, calloused from all the walking a mother has to do to find food, to farm food, to make sure that her sons are well. Do they look different from yours?
You see my chest rise and fall. I breathe the same air you do. I eat sardines. I eat boiled rice that I farmed myself. I would have fed my children a special meal of duck leg and dried meat, but alas, my husband got there before they did. So tell me, am I different from you?
But now you see that I am nothing more than this wild gleam in my eyes. You see that I am nothing more than my disheveled hair. I am nothing more than these scarred and bloody limbs.
Perhaps I will be resigned to my fate. I will be nothing more than the mad laughter, the cries you know so well. Perhaps I will die, nothing more that a spectre of the woman I once was. A hollow shell of what looks like a human being, set apart by the howls of anguish that emanate from within. Perhaps, I will die at the hands of the men I despise the most… The Guardia Sibil! And even then, I will be nothing more than… Sisa la mujer loca… Crispin? Basilio?
and now, for the feature presentation (pardon my pun):
This may well be my last article for this blog. In light of that, I’d like to say that it was precisely everything I’d gone through behind the scenes that made me appreciate working for this blog all the more.
The past articles I had put up on this blog were admittedly partly commercial, but today, I write from the heart.
My Experience:
When I first got the project, I thought it was just something to tide over the bills with. Because of my pride, God had struck me down, and the opportunities I once had were getting elusive. This movie, when my boss offered it to me as a project, was a thankful cup of water in a proverbial desert. But little did I know what was in it for me.
In the course of the movie, I had grown up. From a girl who was out of control and didn’t know her boundaries, I learned so much, behind the scenes. This movie/project was the venue for me to learn discipline and decide to have boundaries in my dealings with people.
It was this movie that taught me that I can actually work within glitz and glamor and truly not be affected; this movie taught me that at the end of the day, I would be thankful that interviews with stars and dinners with glamorous people be canceled, simply because I am not comfortable in “their world.”
This movie taught me to be thankful for grand gestures of love from God (the Krispy Kreme treat), and that a hug from a fellow dreamer (Guia Gonzales) meant the world to me. Though an interview with Juday would have been super, nothing beats Guia’s sympathetic smile and how she pointed out that she heard me sniffle throughout the movie.
This movie taught me that an appreciative, “You know, I got what that scene meant,” comment to Jourdan could light up his entire face, and that meant more to me than getting to join the Esposada.
The movie also taught me how scared I am of glitz and glamor, but I will go all out working for a cause, for movie that I know is significant to God, for reasons that only a heart turned to Him will understand.
This movie also taught me how callous critics could be and that people see things from the bottom of a beer mug a lot of the time.
There is so much I have to thank Ploning the Movie for. Behind the scenes, I was battered to grow up from being a needy young lady stuck in her teens for want of affirmation: an internal issue I learned to resolve in order to get going with the project.
No, I don’t think my heart can hack it in the cold world of the movie industry. But if I could pray for these four dreamers and ask God to keep them dreaming and keep them from becoming commercial and going off into the direction the rest of the world is going, I would be so honored.
Impressions of the Movie:
At first, I thought that it was just a story of love, of waiting for love. I felt like I could relate to Ploning because I am also in a long-distance relationship. I thought I could relate to her too, because at that time, I thought had already shed my past life and projected an image of being demure. Until I got tested and placed under trials.
As the movie unfolded, through the trailers, and whatever other information I gathered about it, I was thinking that all the movie was about was promoting the Philippines’ better spots, and of another story of love and loss. Yet, just as that cliché says, the more I learned about it, the more I realized that I knew nothing about it.
There were points that I was critical: “Why was Ploning wearing good clothes?! Isn’t she supposed to be a poor barrio lass?? Maybe the team should be more accurate next movie they made..”
There was a point, in fact, that I thought it was a bad move for Ploning to be clothed in that yellow and red ensemble: the yellow blouse with a red flowered collar, and the red matching skirt. The blouse had seams up front, so it really showed that it was tailored. I was of the opinion that she looked more like a teacher.
But when I watched the movie, I finally realized what the clothes were all about and recanted my previous criticism, just to myself, at the very least.
Watching the Movie:
When I got to the place of the press screening, I felt like I was a deer that got caught in, as a critic punned, the headlines. I didn’t know why I was there, and all I wanted to do was run. I kept telling myself, “I don’t belong in their world, I seriously do not belong in there world... Why am I here?!”
I was alone when I went. I went out of duty, foremost, but that was just the tip of the iceberg. I went to the movie because I felt like I needed a break from the chaotic life that I lived. At the point when the movie premiered, I had felt like a deer that was quartered. That week, I was left alone under the sun, hung out to dry (as deer jerky? :p).
That afternoon, seeing everyone there, the who’s who of the press, BJ’s imposing build but gentle presence, I couldn’t bear to look at the people, I knew I didn’t belong, and I didn’t know if I could stomach it if I saw something in their countenance and would get paranoid. So I kept my distance.
I found me someone to sit with, but he had to leave. It turned out to be a blessing, because I was left to soak in the film all alone, just the way I like watching movies.
I felt ill-at-ease at first, because I knew I was in strange territory. But Guia’s and Direk Dante’s efforts to entertain the crowd made me feel comfortable in due time. I saw their heart, and I heard the anxieties in Direk’s voice. Which made me appreciate them all the more: they showed that they were human after all.
The Movie Itself:
Let’s start with my pseudo-technical criticism, shall we?
To be honest, the buildup of the story had me agitated. It was rather slow-paced, in my opinion. But then that was because I was excited and had high expectations, partly. There was also this morphing scene, with one of the tribal dancers, that was certainly innovative, though I felt that it could have had a smoother transition. In general, however, I found it innovative.
The spoken Chinese of the cast was rather stunted, and that contributed to the slow pace of the film at the start. Some of the others’ Cuyonon was also rather painful to hear. But you could never fault Juday for her finesse, and for the excellent delivery of the language. I do not understand Cuyonon, except for the commonalities with one of my languages, Hiligaynon (Ilonggo), but she sure sounded like she was a native.
Towards the middle of the movie, I fell in love with Juday’s acting prowess all over again. She was excellent. Alluring but never seductive (in the dirty sense), and she had this grace, subtlety and regal demeanor that made me want to be like Ploning. It was also in this time that I saw how Mylene Dizon is such an actress, to the point that you would genuinely hate her for how she tortured Ploning.
As I got caught up in the whirlwind of the rich scenery, I felt like I had sunk into a world where the colors were richer and the emotions were shown more subtly, yet had this seeping impact on you. My jaw was figuratively agape throughout the entire movie.
Yet nothing could have prepared me for when Tony Mabesa, who played Ploning’s father Susing, had his scene-stealer of the entire movie. While the scene was definitely gentle and subdued, his act of his telling Digo of the story behind his washing of Ploning’s white dress, and with Ploning listening in the background, dressed in red, crying, brought me back posthaste to the first scene of her being made love to by an unknown cast member.
It was then that I realized that my life was truly no different from Ploning’s.
It was then that the rest of the movie had blurred for me. I could no longer see through my tears, I was racked with emotions swirling inside me and around me, and I was so thankful I was beloved of God that I was being paid to watch this movie and He gave me two Krispy Kremes to boot. :p
I felt chastised for commenting out loud, regarding Gina Pareño’s “Why God Why” scene: “You don’t do that to God!!!” Because through the scene of Tony Mabesa’s demonstration of extreme forgiveness, I realized that I hurt God with every instance of sin and disobedience in my life, yet just as Susing tried to communicate to Ploning, He tells me, “I see no stain on you My child,” every single time.
Life After Ploning:
Ploning the Movie’s impact on me did not end after I watched the movie. I got into an online brawl about it, got estranged from people in the process of my pruning, and I saw why it was such a long hard road with this film, and wondered if I should have prayed more.
Every other movie I had watched, post Ploning, was a pale comparison to the movie. I watched Curse of the Golden Flower, and I could only say that I was disgusted after, even through the amazing synchrony of the movements there.
I remember asking God, regarding Curse of the Golden Flower, “Lord, and the point of this movie is? That evil triumphs in the end?! That a woman has no other weapon than seduction, and in the end, she would always lose?! How disgusting!”
After going through the entire day, post-Curse of the Golden Flower, I realized that there was one desire in my heart: that I would like to see Ploning reach the Oscars. I don’t care if the dream sounds far-fetched. I know that this movie had my heart beating more for my God after it, and I know this movie brings life, and not the disgust that a visually-rich “critically acclaimed film” (Curse of the Golden Flower) had left me with.
There are few movies that take my breath away, Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, The Green Mile, Forrest Gump, American Beauty, A Little Princess, The Notebook, Amelie, Schindler’s List, The Lord of the Rings, Passion of the Christ... And Ploning, I believe, is in the league of these. But Ploning is one up on all these: it didn’t make me burp for hours on end after. For those of you familiar with or have undergone Victory Weekend, I’m wondering if you had burping spells too? Hollywood films always gave me that burping spell right after, and I hated that.
Ploning, on the other hand, left me emotionally exorcised, and I left the theater walking on clouds.
But that was also after I had gotten a hug out of Guia, and after Jourdan told me that the scene I loved was his idea.
I could never forget how these four looked to me. BJ was gentle presence. Direk Dante is so gracious, when we exchanged messages on his blog. The look of appreciation for being appreciated, the heartfelt gratitude, and the sense that my comment touched him deeply, as I had seen on Jourdan’s face, would forever be burned in my memory. But nothing takes the cake as the hug from Guia, and the gentle comradeship that I felt with her.
Ploning the Movie will always be a memorable chapter in my life. Today, as I seal this book, I am thankful I watched it in my “birthday season.” I am reminded that all that we have, or seem to have, are gifts from God.
I leave this project with a sense that my heart and my life have closed another circle. As I take my spiritual crown of surviving the ordeals behind this movie Ploning, trace the areas where it had been dinged and marred by battles, I remember how this movie was instrumental in my growth. This wasn’t just a project to me. Like the core team of dreamers, this movie had been a deeply personal involvement for me.
I had wanted to hold on to the blog, but today, I see that after this article, I can add no more to the shining scars I’ve sustained in this battle.
Ploning the Movie, I truly appreciate your role in my life: how God used you to grow me up, and how, through you, I overcame a crucial weakness. I don't know if I'm fully delivered, but I believe this season's learnings were enough to tide me over to the next trial. I pray I pass my next ones too.
There is no better way to say it:
Thank you.
: 
), and Loving your neighbor as you love yourself.
They say mothers know best. And that every child should receive the right amount of attention during the early development period. But these days, where there are more working moms than stay-at-homes, some children end up growing up with yayas or other relatives, away from the supervision of mommy.
Felichi’s eldest daughter Tahnee is now in high school. She graduated from homeschool and is now helping out her mom in teaching her younger siblings. 
